Friday, December 18, 2009

Post from a Guest Blogger!

One of my favorite things about my husband is that he makes me laugh -- sometimes A LOT. He was cracking me up about something a while ago, maybe last weekend, and I got an idea. I told him he should write a guest post for my blog. "I need some new content, and I've been busy and I've had that cold, and you could totally write something funny." See, since Jeff was laid off over two months ago, he's had a lot of spare time, and has welcomed suggestions for things to do. (He still hasn't read To Kill a Mockingbird, or even listened to the amazing audio version. I gave up asking him about it.) But he surprised me when, just a day or two after I mentioned it, he actually wrote a blog post! Without further delay, I present to you a faux "job ad" that Jeff created, and then his letter of application. (Ahem...many spelling errors have been corrected, not to protect him, but so people can actually read it. His spelling is notoriously bad.)

Guest Blogger / Unemployed House Husband Opening:
Looking for an unemployed unskilled slacker to be a house husband and write a guest blog about unemployment. Good spelling, looks, grammar, and a love for reading and writing is a plus, but only a dream and is not required. Position is full time but temporary. “Oh God, please let it be temporary.” There is no salary for the position, however, we offer an excellent benefits package that includes room and board, a wife, a family, a vehicle, and health insurance, and food will be provided for you to prepare. Successful candidate must be unemployed with no real foreseeable chance of employment in the near future. Individuals need experience working as a husband and father. Applicants must fancy themselves as clever and amusing and be willing to do childcare, cooking, laundry, fetch drinks from Hasting’s, and run other errands while writing their blog posts. Prior experience dealing with moodiness, depression, bitchiness, PMS, or other issues related to a woman’s psyche would be helpful. Dress code is sweatpants casual, as long as the sweatpants outfits are laundered at least every few days. Apply online at HeathMochaFrost's blog, "All the parts of my life."

Dear Mrs. HeathMochaFrost,

Hello, my name is HeathMochaFrost Husband, and I am writing in regards to the position for a Guest Blogger / Unemployed House Husband at your website. Since I need to apply for at least two jobs a week to qualify for my unemployment payments from the State, I thought, “What the hell, I’m more qualified for this than I was for that Midwife position I applied for last week.”

The opportunity presented at your blog to reach an audience upwards of six or seven people is mildly appealing, and might help pass a little bit of my free time. I believe that my current married/unemployed status and relevant lack of job skills, current education or training, job prospects, writing skills and interest in blogging makes me a very competitive candidate for this position. The key strengths that I possess for success in this position include:

• Have been a husband for over twelve years and a father for nine
• Have been unemployed for over two months
• Have lots of free time to get bored and organize stuff
• Can hang out on the computer all day long if need be
• Like to be sarcastic; making fun of other people makes me feel better
• Have the best proofreader in the world at my disposal
• Not against sleeping with the boss
• Like to wear sweatpants
• Have experience doing childcare, laundry, and can cook crap in the oven

As you are aware, my background in unemployment and husbandry has provided me the unique opportunity to gain the practical knowledge and experience to support my candidacy for the position. Thank you for your time and consideration. I would welcome the opportunity to meet with you and discuss my qualifications. Perhaps I could send the kids to Grandma's some night so that we could meet. I believe my experiences have given me the necessary skills to make a valuable contribution. I look forward to speaking with you about this unemployment opportunity.


HeathMochaFrost Unemployed Husband

(I suppose it would be even funnier if I'd left in a few of those spelling errors -- for example, "Applicants must fancy themselves as clever" previously read "as cleaver." But for the sake of clarity, a bit of additional hilarity may have been sacrificed, and I'll take the blame for that. ;-) I'll see what I can do about posting more often than once in a very blue moon!)

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