Sunday, May 24, 2009

It is getting late and this must be quick. I am trying to be better about what I eat and drink, to pause and ask myself, whenever I begin thinking of something to ingest, "Is that really what I want?" and if I find the answer is "No," or even "I'm not sure," then I try to move my thoughts along to other things -- and hopefully toward the shaky and uncertain "thing" that I really do want.

But, here is what I've found these past few days: family life is very chaotic, and this makes it very difficult for me to adjust my thoughts and behaviors. The boys are fighting, or annoying each other, or annoying Jeff/me/Grandma/whoever, and I find myself yelling at them -- and today, even Jeff was swearing at them, specifically at Ryan at that point but Kyle has gotten his share of reprimands -- but it is getting to be all too much for me. I can't focus, I can't get an answer to the questions "What am I really hungry for?" or "What do I truly want or need?" or "What does this feeling of emptiness mean?" It's hard enough to focus anyway, dammit, even on a good day, but seriously, without some peace and quiet, without some quality time to read and write, I just know I'll be saying "Screw it" and grabbing more of Grandma's cookies or mixing up another cappuccino or heading over to Hasting's for a Heath Mocha Frappe (The Beverage Formerly Known as the Heath Mocha Frost) or getting an iced mocha at McDonald's or having a second helping of whatever we're having for dinner just because it's there or ruminating on good tasting things to put into my mouth for no other reason than "They taste so good and I'm so sick of everything, I can't deal, I need something to brighten my day," and eating tasty foods results in dopamine production in the brain and when my sons are saying the same annoying things twenty times in a row or asking me fifty times Can't-you-do-this-or-that-or-fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-my-spoiled-greedy-mind-is-wanting-now or not listening to me or outright disregarding what I say as if I were a voice on the wind, I just have to do something, and quick, to feel better.

2 comments:

Marie said...

Oh, I don't have children, but I can imagine how you must feel! It is hard for me to listen to and hear myself sometimes, even when I am alone! I hope you soon have moments for YOU and to find out what you want and need.

If it makes you feel any better, coming from a woman without children, I sometimes feel empty and "less than a woman" because I don't have any kids myself. It's not that I even know if I want any... I'm still trying to figure that one out. But I just don't feel like I fit in with all those other women my age who are married and having babies - and there are more of them these days. I don't have women to bond or commiserate or trade 'mom secrets' with when I am having a "mommy" moment... I am just out there desperately searching for my "thing", my "passion", and this creates emptiness for me because I don't even have that and it's not coming fast enough...

Isn't it we often find we are either too full or too empty? I would like that in-between place - that place where I think things will feel just right...

Kelly @ The Novel Bookworm said...

I've got four kids...ages 14 to *gulp 30 (what WAS I thinking???)

Don't you just want to lock them in a room sometimes and keep the survivor?? Oh wait...that would be mean. Actually, I can tell you from experience, it gets better! The 30 year old and the 27 year old actually get along pretty good now, of course they live 150 miles apart, which might help. (If I had a dollar for everytime I heard the words "Idiot" and "Moron" directed from one of those two to the other, I'd be a wealthy woman!) And both of them seem to think I'm falling down on the job with the 19 and 14 year old, I have to frequently remind them that I managed to muddle my way through and they turned out okay, so back off the younger ones, for cryin out loud!

Also, I wanted to stop by and thank you for following my blog. It's a pretty dinky thing compared to most of the great book bloggers out there, so I really appreciate it when people hit the "follow" button!

Cheers,
Kelly